As the population of the United States becomes increasingly and visibly single, it’s become conspicuous that the majority of US churches—at least 80%—don’t have singles ministries for people over the age of 35. Most singles ministries today are for millennials.
I personally checked out the websites of America’s 25 biggest churches to see who had actual singles groups and not just small groups for singles. Almost half (12 out of 25) did, skewing the ratio of churches that don’t have singles ministries. Mine was in the 13 that didn’t. Of the 13 that did not have singles ministries, five did have small groups exclusively for singles. Read about them all here: 25 Largest Churches in America as of October 2017.
I keep hearing, “They don’t know what to do with us” when asked if their churches have singles ministries for older believers. Those who age out of the college & career ministry without getting the proper, authentic graduation document—a marriage certificate—usually don’t have an official church group to plug into with peers in similar life stages at their own churches.
Those who age out of the college & career ministry without getting the proper, authentic graduation document—a marriage certificate—usually don’t have an official church group to plug into with peers in similar life stages. Click To TweetAs much as they want to deny it, most churches have subgroups for all ages and stages of life: babies, toddlers, children, teens, college & career, the engaged, the 
marrieds, young families, developmentally delayed children. They have ministries for the deaf, various language groups, men’s ministries, women’s ministries, or retired seniors. They even have goal-oriented groups for those who want to parent better, get out of debt, have just gone through a divorce, or struggle with grief or addiction. Why don’t they have a ministry for us? Why don’t they know what to do with us?
Not having a place at the table can have negative effects on the believer without their even knowing it. And the silence around Christian singles & Christian singles ministry is just as significant as what is said.
What does it look like when the established local fellowship of believers, otherwise known as the church—a fellowship which one has chosen, been led to attend and serve in—refuses to have a singles group for them?
We feel left out.
Ignored.
Unnecessary.
Like we’re not important.
Like we’re not part of the body of Christ and we don’t belong.
Like Younger singles are more important that older singles, because you think you have a chance to impact them so they make fewer mistakes.
Theologically, we know it’s not true, but you’re not demonstrating the truth and love of God to us by marginalizing us.
We’re aren’t good enough to have a place at the table.
We have to sit at the children’s table until we prove we’re grown up enough to sit at the adults table.
And we’re not grown up enough, not whole or mature enough, unless we’re married.
We can’t just be single because we’re called to be single or we choose to be single or we don’t want to get married just yet, or we haven’t found the right person.
It’s like the church thinks that singleness is always a phase you grow out of. Like singleness is always a temporary state for everyone, and something’s wrong with us if we are not married or don’t want to get married.
You’ve separated us from other Christian singles meeting in larger groups like other groups get to do. You tell us to fellowship with everyone and not to focus on looking or getting married. But many of us do look. Many of us want to get married.
Is it wrong to want to get married?
You’re already married. I assume you got married because you wanted to get married. How different was your desire to get married from my desire to get married?
Do you think your desires were good and mine are not good? C’mon now, you guys. You know how unreasonable that sounds?!
We feel like our mistakes are not forgivable.
We had a shot—or two—at marriage, and it didn’t turn out the way we had wanted. So
now I have to suffer and not be allowed to meet other singles at my church because I blew my chance and I’m still learning? Where’s grace?
We’re only good enough to serve as babysitters for couples’ night out? Really?
I think you’re not mature enough as a local fellowship of believers to set a place at the table for us. I suspect some of you are scared of us.
You’re concerned that you might lust after us because you think we’re “available.” You think our being single means we’re automatically available to everyone.
Conversely: You’re afraid we’re going to steal your husbands or wives.
You’re stupid on both counts.
Most of us have strong boundaries. We know better than to let small indiscretions turn into trouble. We’re not in church to steal your husband or wife. We just want our own, and we’d rather meet them in church.
Because we rarely do, even though many of us are involved in ministry, we have to create our own outside networks and groups to socialize and be taught single-to-single and minister and stay in fellowship.
We have to provide everything ourselves instead of having the support of a church that validates our existence by providing a ministry with a real budget for us.
Some of those outside networks are pretty scary and self-govern with “rules” I stay away from. They don’t answer to any authority and do whatever they want, and the strongest personalities and biggest mouths drive everything. I don’t like their self-serving, carnal drama.
I prefer to meet and marry someone from my own church or denomination, but it’s hard to meet them when you won’t give us a church ministry where we can meet other singles.
I need to meet other Christian singles in my church for fellowship and support, not just checking out the available selection for marrying. I realize we don’t need another meat market on our radar.
I need to meet other Christian singles in my church for fellowship and support, not just checking out the available selection for marrying. Click To Tweet
I understand life is not just about getting married, and there are lots I can learn from married folks as friends. It’s just that many of these other singles have learned how to do life in ways I need to learn.
They’ve learned important things about being a single mom or a single dad.
They’ve made big dating mistakes they’re willing to talk about.
They’ve been through a horrendous divorce and know how I feel.
And I want to meet those who, like me, have never been married and are either satisfied with staying single or waiting on the Lord’s timing to date and marry. We need to support each other in a day and time when marriage and other emotional/sexual connections are pushed more than ever.
It’s been a long time since you’ve been single. I need to learn how to practice my faith as a single from other singles around me who are going through life now as a single.I need to learn how to practice my faith as a single from other singles around me who are going through life now as a single. Click To Tweet
What do you mean, you don’t know what to do with us?
Absurd. Treat us like you’ve treated the other ministry groups in church: give us a place at the table. And a real budget.
If you haven’t sincerely prayed about it lately, don’t just rely on “church growth experts” who insist you only start ministries that will make you a profit in return. That’s not how Jesus operated. The Lord gave you finances to minister, not hoard as an investment for those who can pay back. If you don’t believe me, go read Luke 6:32-34 and James 2:1-20.
Instead: why don’t you pray about starting a singles ministry with mature singles helping to run it?
For more on that whole business of starting a church singles group, read my open letter to pastors about us. Click here: https://glendablogz.com/open-letter-to-pastors-about-single-christians-and-singles-ministries/
