I have read a lot of books on being a Christian single, marriage, and marriage prep. I mean that. The best one I have read in a really long time is Debra Fileta’s Choosing Marriage.
“Why would I want to read a book called Choosing Marriage when I’m not married? I’m not even dating anyone yet,” you may ask yourself. I finna tell you right now!
If you’re married, Choosing Marriage is great because Debra, a licensed professional counselor with an active private practice, addresses the problems that come up in the basic marriage. She doesn’t just share from her clients. She has stories of her own as to how she did it wrong. There is hope for us!
If you’re single, Choosing Marriage is still great. Debra addresses much of what can cause problems in any relationship, platonic or romantic, that you can address now. She brings up stuff we haven’t thought of in a way that we can’t avoid but must face.
I can’t think of a better way or time for God’s single to prepare for marriage than going through this book honestly.
Relationship issues are basically heart issues. Heart issues can cause problems anywhere—at the worksite, while grocery shopping, at the gym, in church, during the family reunion, and especially in the home. If a professional is offering hard-earned advice with biblical wisdom that you can absorb and apply, and which can help deflect problems in one’s future marriage, take it. I sure need it!
Debra has a wonderful way of blending hard truths with kindness and hope. She doesn’t hold back from her mistakes, or the insights of others and not just her clients.
Here are three examples:
Starting with the third paragraph in chapter one, “Choosing Marriage, the Hardest and Greatest Thing,” she warns us about the true cost of marriage. It’s a hint that will take you through the rest of her book:
When you think of the cost of marriage, what comes to mind? According to recent statistics, couples today spend an average of $26,720 on a wedding. That’s a lot of money, but it’s nothing compared to the cost of marriage. Marriage will cost you more… It will cost you yourself (p. 13).
She spends much of the rest of her book illustrating how much of self we unwittingly carry into a marriage, and what we can do about it if we care. I saw many parts of my own self-centeredness that I will have to slay if I want any future marriage to start right. (And I guess I need to start saving money faster for that future marriage… <sigh>)
If you’re single, Choosing Marriage is still great. Debra addresses much of what can cause problems in any relationship...that you can address now. She brings up stuff we haven't thought of in a way that we can't avoid but must face. Click To TweetIn chapter three, “Walls Will Fall: From Vulnerability to Intimacy,” Debra talks about the four levels of conversation and gives rules for engagement that can help in any relationship. She also explains the eight walls that individuals must overcome in their marriage to facilitate true intimacy. True intimacy is the opposite of what so many couples experience:
It’s truly sad how many Christian couples convince themselves that living a life emotionally “divorced” and disconnected from each other is somehow taking the higher road in marriage. Just because you aren’t legally divorced doesn’t mean you’re living out God’s best for your relationship. He wants to help you achieve so much more than the bare minimum (p. 61).
My parents’ marriage was often like that, but I don’t want a marriage like that. I’m going to have to work on dismantling several of those walls so they don’t block my future relationships.
In chapter eight—“Sex Marks the Spot: From Infatuation to Adoration”—she talks humorously and unabashedly about the expectations newlyweds have about sex and what they actually go through. She shares the disappointment that many couples undergo when perfect sex doesn’t automatically materialize and they felt they waited till their wedding night for nothing. She lets us know that
We wait, not because of what it will do for us, but because of what it will do within us (p. 156).
Since I continue to choose to wait until the wedding night to have sex, I will continue to guard my heart like she suggested for us singles. I will continue to monitor incoming hopeful friendships, my intake of social media, and what I watch and read.
A unique feature that I really love about this book is that she gives separate reflection questions for both marrieds and singles.
She asks the marrieds, “Regarding the three intruders of marriage, which intruder tends to be the biggest issue in your relationship? In what ways to these three intruders affect your marriage? (p. 133). She later asks us singles, “As you look at your family of origin or the people closest to you, how have boundaries (or a lack of boundaries) been modeled in the marriages you’ve witnessed? How did this impact their relationships?” (Chapter six, “Always Use Protection: From Insecurity to Safety.”)
This latest book by Debra Fileta is something you’ll want to let read you, whether you’re already married or as single as a pringle.
Be honest with yourself. She’ll help show you what you’ll need to tackle to make the most of your current and future relationships.
If it helps you, it’s endorsed by folks like internationally known relationship experts Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott (they’re New York Times bestselling authors of relationship books like Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts), social researcher Shaunti Feldhahn (who also wrote The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages), and John Fuller, co-host of Focus on the Family’s daily broadcast and vice-president of their audio team.
I must warn you that Choosing Marriage is not something you’ll want to hurry through. I would highly recommend you and your date go at a pace fast enough to ensure that you are making progress, but slow enough to thoroughly engage with and process all the material. It might assure your premarital counselor that you both have made significant headway into your issues and won’t be back in their office in three years due to obstacles formed from resistant flesh!
Debra’s website: Choosing Marriage at True Love Dates
Her store for either the married couple’s workbook or the single’s workbook: Choosing Marriage workbooks
For more good stuff daily on the single Christian’s walk or romance, come find me here (it’s not just my stuff):
IG @glendaggordon
FB https://www.facebook.com/4singlechristians/
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received one or more of the products or services mentioned above for free in the hope that I would mention it on my blog. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
