I’m probably taking dating too seriously, because I don’t date much. I can number all the men I’ve dated on my fingers. Having a more serious, contemplative personality makes me take a long time to decide almost anything. The bigger the decision, the slower I am about it.
The fact that I’m about 60% introvert doesn’t help. My last romance confirmed that the way I (didn’t) date was right all along, and I needed to keep it that way. I figured out the one, single most important lesson about dating that many have not.
The Last Time was the Last Time
My last boyfriend many years ago was initially friend zoned. He was a believer, but wasn’t too involved in church. He didn’t tithe; neither did he have a career or ministry like I would have imagined myself participating in as a wife.
I thought there would be no harm in spending some time with him and getting to know him, so we went places together. I thought we could be “just friends.”
We had several important things in common. Yet we didn't have the most important thing in common. Understanding that was the most valuable lesson I have learned about dating. Click To TweetGuess what? I found myself falling “in like” with him. However, I couldn’t get myself to fall all the way “in love” with him because I knew, in the back of my mind, that he was not the man for me.
We had several important things in common. Yet we didn’t have the most important thing in common. Understanding that was the most valuable lesson I have learned about dating.
The Most Important Thing to Have in Common
We did not have the same life purpose.
He lived for his business, which he really enjoyed, and was heavily involved in politics. He traveled for his business and was gone most weekends, so he didn’t like traveling as a hobby. When he was home, he didn’t like going to church, on top of his dislike for all the churches in his area. (He was going to church weekly by the time we broke up, I noticed.)
I participated some in his political endeavors, but it made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t me. I was in my church several times a week and actively involved in ministry, but he wouldn’t come to my church after the first time. He also didn’t like hanging out with me when I was with my friends. He wanted me to do most of the visiting and getting to know his friends.
My biggest thing was I knew I had been called to go overseas as a missionary to a particular country. I was seeking to get into grad school to finish the last piece of my preparation so I could go. He hadn’t been outside the country since he was a kid, when he’d gone on short mission trips to Mexico. He had absolutely no desire to live anywhere else as an adult. I really had no business dating him, and I knew this going into the friend zone.
The Spirit of the Lord was speaking loudly to me about this man. God called to my remembrance several women who knew they had a calling on their lives, but married outside their calling. Their marriages, families, and homes were fine, but they always had this nagging sensation that they had settled outside of God’s perfect will. They never knew what could have been had they honored God fully.
I could see myself becoming sad like them if I’d settled for marriage over God’s will. God blesses marriage, but I would be limited as to how much of that blessing I could experience.
The heartache I would bear and the wistfulness of wondering what God wanted to do in my life were not worth it.
I knew I couldn’t stay with him, but I didn’t want to ruin both of our futures. I broke it off.
I am determined to not do that again. Ever.
I have resolved that I will not marry outside of God’s will if it’s the last thing I do. But it won’t be the last thing I do, according to the Word of God!
As a result of my last dating experience, I don’t friend zone anymore. Now I just pray these guys out of my life.
What is Your Purpose?
I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11 GW
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10 NLT
We were saved to fulfill God’s will. It’s crucial to your identity, spiritual survival, thriving, and destiny to find out what God created and saved you to do and go do it. Every decision you make in life will either move you and your destiny forward or push you both backward.
It’s crucial to your identity, spiritual survival, and destiny to find out what God created and saved you to do and go do it. Every decision you make in life will either move you and your destiny forward or push you backward. Click To TweetFor instance, the biggest decision you will make outside of accepting Jesus is who you will marry. Your spouse can advance you and the Lord’s purpose in your life, or push you back.
If you don’t know what your purpose is, find out. It’s important. Ask yourself questions like these:
- When I was a child, what did I always want to be when I became a grown up?
- What do I live for? As in, what do I love to talk about most besides myself? What could I spend all day reading about and not get bored? What ideas and researching keep me up at night?
- Who’s doing what I most admire and would like to imitate?
- What needs do I see in my world that just drive me to meet them with great intensity and joy?
- What gets my energy and creative juices flowing? AKA What is my passion?
- What have people told me that I’m good at?
- What would (or do) I gladly do for free for three years?
- If finances were not a consideration and all my needs were taken care of, what would I be doing?
I pray, dear friend, that you will find God’s purpose for you in your single season, then your spouse going the same direction.
