October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If you want to read the official proclamation, click here: Proclamation October is National Domestic Violence Month 2018. It’s sad we have to bring awareness to something so evil and pervasive, but hidden, even within the church, but here we are.
It is more than a #MeToo movement to us. It was our story.
It’s sad we have to bring awareness to something so evil and pervasive, even within the church, but here we are. Click To TweetNot just I, but many Christian women I know, as well as many of my readers and followers, have experienced abuse in one or more of its many forms. We stay single from an abundance of caution. I grieve as I reflect upon the fact that relationships we trusted—family members, babysitters, boyfriends, husbands, teachers, coaches, Sunday School teachers, even pastors—betrayed us.
These men hurt us physically, slapping us… hitting us… throwing us against walls… shoving us down stairs and dragging us into vehicles. They broke our things and killed our pets. They installed spyware on our phones and tracked us everywhere. They sabotaged our birth control so that we ended up getting pregnant, then beat us while we were pregnant. Some of us lost our babies due to the abuse. These abusers gave us bruises, gashes, starvation, increased levels of cortisol, broken bones, STDs, and so terribly much more.
They manipulated us verbally. They lied to us, lied to our kids, and lied to themselves about who they were and what they deserved out of us. They constantly yelled at us, threatened us, humiliated, badgered, blamed, shamed, accused, and criticized us. They broke most of their promises, keeping just enough to make it look like there was hope. They sniveled fake tears and pretended like they were sorry after hitting us again. They were really good at lying and being sarcastic.
They controlled us financially, preventing us from having cash. They stalked us at our jobs until we got fired because they didn’t want us to have money. They didn’t want us to have any kind of life outside the home that became our prison. They destroyed our credit by opening credit cards in our names and running up their limits. Often we barely had food. Sometimes they only let us buy food for the kids and counted every penny we got back from the purchase. They legally changed mutual ownership of businesses, properties, and financial resources so that we discovered, too late, that we had access to none of them after the divorce.
They abused us sexually. Each demand for intimacy became a rape that turned intimacy into a mockery and sex into danger and degradation. Sometimes they would let others use and humiliate us. We became urban whores for his perverted friends.
They intruded on us mentally. Sometimes, we couldn’t concentrate or even remember simple things. Sometimes we had flashbacks or nightmares, and trouble sleeping. Many of us developed PTSD.
They tormented us emotionally. Our abusers were severely jealous and had unpredictable tempers. They minimized our feelings while exalting their reputations. They intimidated us, convincing us that they would kill us if we told anyone. That no one would believe us if we told. We were continually on edge, overwhelmed and anxious, wondering when they would just kill us. They tried to make us look crazy and feel crazy through all sorts of gaslighting tactics. We had no hope that anything would change.
They alienated us socially. They sliced off our options for venting, questioning, escape, safety, or sanity by making us depend on them for everything. Our abusers treated us differently in public than they did in private, but we never felt safe. And we couldn’t tell anyone at church or at work. They also lied about us to everyone we knew—our coworkers, supervisors, family, church members, friends, kids’ coaches and teachers, even medical personnel and law enforcement. Nobody believed us for a long time.
They estranged us spiritually. Our captors loomed over us as they wedged themselves between us and God. They wore us down with daily pain and harassment, eventually making it look like they were God because they could control every detail of our lives.
It took most of us a long time—always too long—to get the courage, energy, and resources to leave them once and for all.
We planned, fought, screamed, ran, and hid for our freedom and that of our children. Once we left that last and final time, we promised ourselves we would never do this again.
Some of us did go to new perpetrators who were just like the devil we left. We went back because the devil had built a fortress around our souls of imploding dignity, self-worth, helplessness, and neediness on the inside and hard, steel walls of fear and bitterness on the outside.
It took time—for most of us, a long time—for Jesus to get in and remove it—walls and all.
We learned a few things during and after our time of imprisonment.
- We, and everyone around us, discovered that smart, independent, socially savvy women could be deceived into a relationship with an abusive man.
- We realized that, though scary, exposing the darkness was crucial for our freedom.
- We learned that, contrary to the hurricane of lies that swirled around us, God loved us. And our abusers were not Him.
- We understood that each person is accountable to God for their own actions. We were not to blame for our abusers’ deceitful words and cruel deeds. We couldn’t accept the responsibility and guilt even if we’d wanted to, and we finally stopped wanting to.
- We found that healing is possible with prayer, compassion, supportive circles of family, friends, and other victims, positive role models, and professional therapy from someone who specializes in domestic violence.
- We established our identity and ultimate hope in Jesus, since He didn’t make anyone hurt us. It was their twisted choice.
- We are free. We plan to stay free.
Please be patient and prayerful with us. Speak up for us. And please help other prisoners escape. Good starting places to learn are:
https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2017/11/7-steps-of-healing-from-domestic-violence/
https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-commonly-asked-questions/how-do-i-heal-after-
