We’re pretty independent in the Western world. I consider myself very independent, sometimes refusing help from someone who offers to carry something for me when they see me hobbling.
First-time visitors from eastern cultures are often amazed and shocked at the levels of self-sufficiency which we display. They don’t always think it’s good.
Independence is touted as a sign of being responsible and mature. When we were kids, we were always being told what to do, where to go, and what to say. Now that we’re adults, nobody’s supposed to tell us anything outside of work.
Everything’s MYOB. We’re used to doing almost anything we want with no accountability from anyone. If we live alone, we’re especially vulnerable to the independence syndrome: if we don’t want to, we don’t have to wash the dishes or make our bed.
Warning: This autonomous, self-sufficient attitude can be a set-up for diminishing intimacy in your relationships.
I see you cock your head and ask, “What does that mean? Aren’t I supposed to be independent and responsible?”
But better than being independent, is to be inter-dependent. That’s when you practice responsibility and autonomy in the context of relationship and accountability. Click To TweetWell, yes, of course. When you’re truly adulting, you’re expected to live within your budget, pay all your own bills, and keep yourself fed, clothed, and sheltered.
But better than being independent, is to be inter-dependent. That’s when you practice responsibility and autonomy in the context of relationship and accountability. You see, there’s always a level of accountability in the best relationships between real friends.
Real friends care about each other. They want what’s best for each other. They hold each other accountable to be, do, and say their best and have the best. For a true friend, you would even be willing to risk losing the friendship to speak a hard truth because you’ve earned the right to say it and they need to hear it.
So accountability is a desirable quality which we sometimes lack. How would the opposite—the lack of accountability—ruin a relationship?
For starters, if you dismiss anyone who tries to tell you anything, you’re not demonstrating humility and teachability. You will need that humility and teachability to learn, grow, and maintain a positive and healthy relationship. The converse—pride and stubbornness—are not conducive to positive, healthy relationships.
Fools are headstrong and do what they like;
wise people take advice. Proverbs 12:15 MSG
For another, one who refuses to depend on the Lord for wisdom, strength, and providence is independent in the wrong way. This person isn’t placing him- or herself under the authority of Jesus Christ. Instead, they figure out everything for themselves and trust solely in their own abilities to get their needs met.
This attitude will quickly take a marriage down as attempts are made to relate in the flesh according to one’s own needs, demands, and issues instead of the Holy Spirit and the needs of the other person.
Thus says the Lord, “Cursed is the man who trusts in and relies on mankind, making [weak, faulty human] flesh his strength, and whose mind and heart turn away from the Lord. Jeremiah 17:5 AMP
The heart is more deceitful than anything else, and incurable—who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9 CSB
[For better understanding, read Jeremiah 17:9 in all English translations, here: https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Jeremiah%2017:9 ]
A third thing is that the lack of accountability damages relationships by hiding ingrown, harmful tendencies that affect the relationship. Lack of accountability usually harbors and accommodates secrets, addictions, and other problems which can quickly rot a marriage. Many of you know this from experience.
Lack of accountability usually harbors and accommodates secrets, addictions, and other problems which can quickly rot a marriage. Click To TweetYou see, two people who really love and care for each other want to share everything. It would have felt odd, even uncomfortable, not to share everything. You just want to let the other person know everything about you. If you’ve ever been in love, you remember the feeling.
It may have taken awhile, but sooner or later, there were talks about the painful past—hurts, disappointments, fails, shattered dreams, negative emotions, and more. When you found out that the other person accepted you with all your flaws, hang ups, and mistakes, how did that feel?
Or perhaps you found out that the other person couldn’t accept you in all your humanity. I’ve been there. That must have been excruciating.
The person keeping secrets is hiding something significant that will often impact whether the relationship even continues. It’s important to be honest and accept responsibility for any and all issues before you get engaged. There should be no big, ugly secrets uncovered after the wedding.
It makes a difference. What would you do if, one week after the wedding, you found out that your honeymoon lover had a six-figure debt (which wasn’t a house) or an incurable STD? How would you react if you found out that your new spouse had been married three times before, and the ex’s are getting into your new married life demanding more money and time? Would you appreciate playing mistress to your spouse’s entrenched addiction?
Secret-keepers are unable to be vulnerable and transparent, which require humility and teachability. Only when you are humble can you recognize that something is very wrong. The throbbing emotional pain isn’t going away, the coping mechanisms are not solving anything, and you must ask for help to overcome the root of the problem.
Moral of the story: don’t be a secret-keeper. Acknowledge that secrets reveal big problems, and you want to tackle all that now and learn to be accountable.
Christian single, learning to be accountable now will really help your future marriage as you start purging the reasons for your secretive, independent lifestyle in the context of caring relationships.
Next week, we’ll explore how to actually be accountable. We’ll look at where to find the places and people who will help make the best version of ourselves going into a relationship.
