Sonya (not her real name) slouched in her seat. She glanced down, ashamed to look me in the eye as she told me she’d gone back to her old “boyfriend” again. He was self-centered and more interested in using her and her car than in caring for her.
“You know you have to fix your man-picker; it’s still broken. You’re worth more than that,” I told her with a smile. She blinked back tears as she nodded and agreed. As a professional social worker, church counselor, or even just a friend or ministry associate, I have encountered this common theme of broken love-pickers in many hearts over the years.
So many are driven to find true love in impossible places. We’re hoping our next romantic fix will fill our hearts. We tell ourselves it’s going to be okay now because this 
new love will make it all right.
We don’t realize how difficult it is to pour a Niagara Falls of hurts and needs into a child’s plastic beach bucket, but it doesn’t stop us from trying. We don’t recognize that the other person is also broken and looking for a plastic bucket for their Niagara Falls. They—and we—were the impossible places.
When our new love sours into the latest clump of unmet expectations, we wonder how we can hurry-get-out-of-it and find a better love. Slow down!
Maybe, my friend, it’s time to fix our man-picker/girl-picker. To get a better love, one that’s worth keeping, we have to address what’s been happening within our own hearts. That way, we’ll start choosing healthier partners and healthier partners will start looking for us.
Here are five things to consider in helping us fix our broken love pickers:
- Know your worth. Many have had negative, hurtful, and demeaning words spoken over them in past relationships. This could include ugly words from family members, classmates, teachers, employers, or neighbors, not just lovers. You might have repeated some of those ugly words to yourself for so long that you believe them.
Instead of clinging to treacherous words from your past, start embracing true words of worth and grace from Jesus. Click To TweetThe enemy of our souls uses these awful words to pierce our hearts and try to bleed all our love and self-worth out. He knows that if he is successful, his tactics will fester for decades to come and affect our reactions and relationship choices.
Instead of clinging to treacherous words from your past, start embracing true words of worth and grace from Jesus. You have a purpose beyond His saving you for a future eternal life. He willingly died for you. Let your value come from your relationship with Jesus and what He says about you.
- Let Jesus meet your primary needs. God made the universe, which includes you, so He must understand how you operate. Let Him be the first to meet your very human and reasonable needs for validation, security, and purpose. Grounding your heart with God will help you stay satiated with a love that deeply fulfills the soul. A soul that is full has more to give and to guard.
- Actively involve yourself in a safe community of Jesus followers. Staying connected with God means staying connected with God’s people. Be sure to have at least one of two reliable friends you trust and who will be looking out for you. Being known and loved by true friends decreases the possibility that your picker will wander off looking for unsavory characters to be used by.
- Be discerning of character issues. Sometimes we Christians have a (rightly earned) reputation for being “too nice.” That means trusting too easily instead of taking character issues into consideration before dating someone. As a result, others easily manipulate and wrong us. We must learn to discern.
Having discernment doesn’t mean we aren’t loving and forgiving. It means we become aware of the types of character deficits in others that will harm us if we linger in their presence. Click To TweetHaving discernment doesn’t mean we aren’t loving and forgiving. It means we become aware of the types of character deficits in others that will harm us if we linger in their presence. If you need a character study on the types of people to befriend and to avoid, read through the book of Proverbs a few times over the next year; a chapter a day is a good pace. It reveals a perspective on character that would benefit us to welcome.
- Learn to set boundaries. It means we take seriously our responsibility to manage ourselves and our resources to God’s glory and the other’s benefit. We have a right and a responsibility to administer all that the Lord gave us to care about.
Setting boundaries around your heart is like putting a fence around your house. It helps protect your property from intruders who would like to help themselves to your hard-earned goods. And it will help keep your pets and small children from straggling off or being kidnapped by evildoers. In similar fashion, it pays your soul to set limits around what behavior is acceptable.
Sometimes, we will have to say No, even if the other person doesn’t like it. That’s their problem, not yours. When your “No” means something, your “Yes” will mean more.
Whether you say “yes” or “no,” own it and mean it.
These five lifestyle changes should prove helpful for those of us in need of fixing our love-picker. May the better love find you.
