How to Date Christianly When You Were Raised in a Toxic Home, Part 1 of 2

Were one or both of your parents toxic? (It really only takes one messed up parent to ruin your whole family for generations.)

Did your parents have a lousy marriage? (Mine did, too.)

Did you have family secrets that had to be hidden from outsiders? (We sure did!)

If you said Yes to any of these, you may be susceptible to having trouble acquiring and keeping healthy love relationships. It shouldn’t be a surprise.

When you’re surrounded by and immersed in bad examples and toxicity that invite demonic presence, yeah—it’s going to be rough for you until you uncover and remove the hindrances that the enemy planted in your childhood brain. 

I get it.

Certainly, I was not raised in a nice, tidy little Christian home where I learned good things by my parents modeling godly living and godly loving. Nope. I needed to unlearn the junk my family taught me and relearn how to do life God’s way.

My parents met and married under questionable circumstances. They fought over money, cultural differences, and how to raise me spiritually. And I was a shy, innocent, curious, but intelligent girl who logically deduced at six that Santa Claus wasn’t real because he couldn’t fit in every chimney, or deliver where they had no chimney, or big guard dogs.

As I got older, I realized how toxic my family was but didn’t know what to do about it. By the time I was of dating age (which my dad determined would be 16, and my senior year in high school), I wasn’t interested in dating; I just enjoyed being friends with all these guys. It was a good thing for me to learn to just be friends with guys.

Now I’m a middle-aged woman still interested in getting married someday. Yes, I still would like to be married to God’s man for me in God’s timing.

It took a lot of work and I’m still not done. After attending several trainings by both Christian and secular teachers, going through undergrad and graduate school, and reading the Bible through several times as well as scores of Christian living books, I have been able to reflect on how my toxic nuclear family affected my dating life and find my way out.

Today and next week, I’ll share how I found my way out of repeating bad dating cycles in hopes that it will help someone.

1. EVALUATE. If you’ve never done this, make a list of your behaviors and habits that are negative, unhelpful, and ungodly. Then see if one of your parents manifested them when you were growing up, even if it’s in another form.

Let’s say you have a food addiction and you’re a bit overweight because of it. Does one of your parents have the same or a different addiction problem—maybe spending or drinking instead of eating?

After living in near poverty post-WW2, my mom saw my poor, lower-class military dad as a rich American and they fought about money. I didn’t learn good financial habits from either of them. I had to learn to discipline myself financially by getting under the guidance of a free local Crown Financial counselor and take ten years to get out of debt.

Problems with finances, whether you’re a spendthrift or a tightwad, can cause major conflicts in your new marriage.

Make that list and ask the Lord what you left off. You need to be aware of where to start so He can disciple you what to restart.

2. REFLECT. This may help further uncover other family-induced problems.

Did your family have problems communicating verbally, clearly, and graciously?

Resolving conflicts in a positive manner where everyone wins?

Confessing weaknesses and sins in a safe and loving environment?

Affirming and cheerleading each other’s’ strengths and talents?

Maybe you have problems setting healthy boundaries because your family didn’t respect boundaries when you were growing up.

For instance, if you were sexually molested by a family member and you haven’t gotten help for it, that was a serious breach of your personal boundaries. It was not your fault and it should never have happened. PLEASE seek a godly and compassionate Christian counselor of the same gender as yourself to help you resolve and dissolve that breach of boundaries where the enemy set up camp.

And there are boundary problems the other way—too tight to express individuality and develop character. Military and pastoral families often produce children who get stuck in this rut.

In our family, my parents argued a lot when I was younger. There was yelling and screaming and physical hitting. I learned how to scream and hit as I got into my teen years and realized I didn’t have to do everything my dad told me to do. I had to relearn how to resolve conflicts in a biblical manner, definitely without screaming and hitting. Conflict resolution is a big deal in any relationship; if you don’t learn to do it right, your dream marriage may crumble to ruins.

I get it, this business of having to relearn to do life God’s way. If you don’t realize the influence your family had on you, you may not catch all the traps hidden in plain sight by the enemy of your souls, set to blow up your love life.

It’s hard but necessary work to stop that ungodly influence from infiltrating your soul if you want a marriage made in heaven. Next week, we’ll go through the remaining steps to relearn relating and dating God’s way, including my personal book list.