Hey, y’all, I was asked to write a guest blog for Glenda and I am very surprised but very honored, of course. I was simply hanging out at the RMRM Ranch, just supervising and making sure everyone does their jobs when I got the go-ahead. I have never been asked to write anything like this but it feels great. Though I usually keep what I do under wraps, I secretly wondered for eons if I was ever going to be asked to talk about myself and what we do.

Our ranch is run by the Conn family and it’s a world-class outfit. It’s a big operation, a great work, we do out here. We have a few paid staff on the payroll, but it’s mostly run by volunteers. Where is our ranch, you may ask? We are definitely down south and we always make sure our volunteers go south, too.

Everyone has a cause, everyone has a passion, right? Well, we sure do around here! We just love to stir the pot and kick up a fuss about things that sometimes matter, but most of the time it doesn’t. We’re everywhere and we make sure that we get everyone emotionally hooked into the lies, doubts, and drama that cloud the issues. We make sure to cause problems everywhere we go by using words. Handy tools, words.

We welcome financial investments, of course, but we don’t run strictly by finances. It’s mostly emotional energy, time, and useful words that are invested, and we’ve seen those investments pay off for millennia now. Most of our former volunteers have received their, uh, eternal reward for all their hard work. I want to thank all of our current volunteers for helping us keep the ranch going. You, too, shall receive your… rewards.

It’s you volunteers who help us get the emotions stirred, the issues muddled, the rumors going, and the reputations destroyed. If it weren’t for you volunteers, we wouldn’t be able to break up marriages and churches and businesses. Because of your delicious input, relationships and opportunities are killed, joy and peace are stolen, and ministries and lives are destroyed. We immensely enjoy watching the chaos and hate you help us spread. We couldn’t do it without you.

Most of you came already trained, and that was a big help to us. You learned that, no matter what else was not working for you, you could work your gifts of gab and personality to manipulate others to do what you wanted them to do. Your character deficits, pride, bitterness, immaturity, and self-centered, attention-seeking attitudes made you the perfect fit for our work at the ranch. Because these ruling qualities were comfortable in your flesh, you were the easiest to train in the finer arts of fear, guilt, motivation, and verbal parry. It’s just as gratifying to see you train others. You destroy people almost as well as we do in the Conn family.

A really big shout out goes to you volunteers who are followers of our enemy, that Man Upstairs. You have the amazing ability to maintain a cloak of spirituality and respectability while working for us, making spirituality the perfect cover. You showcase it like the fine art you have made it. It’s like you’re our lead scouts and spies, collecting information for us and passing along the half-truths that we give you to them. A half-truth is still half true, is it not, my friends?

Some of you have been going to church for years and barely changed at all. That’s wonderful. We need you not to change. In fact, we rewarded you. I made sure to get all of you promoted in your schools, jobs, and churches. We need your influence in every institution, and I thank you for supporting us.

We also knew, however, that you couldn’t do it without our fueling your passions and insecurities into a lifelong obsession and full-blown flame. Whenever we see you’re not getting your way, or you’re trying in your own strength to change or follow the Man Upstairs, we slip a little of our energy into your unprotected little hearts so that you get just enough motivation to keep working your mouths for us. You’re welcome. Any time, my dears.

You volunteers make our family’s ranch one of the best-kept secrets in the world. It’s great to have you as a loyal and active member of the Conn family. You love to Conn as much as we do. I’ve been sharing with my fellow supervisors, who are also my cousins–Betrayer, Defrauder, Scam Artist, Cheater, Liar, Slanderer, and my uncles Discourager and Gossip–how well you’ve been doing under our influence and tutelage. We love having you as a partner. Good work, my friends.

In case you were wondering what RMRM stands for, it’s the Running Mouth Rumor Mill, of course. Be sure to report back soon for more training. We could still use you.


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