Reasons to stay single?! Whaaa…NO.
That’s the attitude many singles have toward singleness: “That’s ridiculous! Though I’m not dating at the moment, I actually do want to get married. I don’t want to stay single forever!”
We’re told—by no other than the church—to only focus on being content, not look for a mate, and pretend that marriage is a desire only suitable for smothering under piles of respectable spirituality.
Of course, most of the people who say this are already married.
Once I was facilitating a group discussion in a church singles group. I don’t remember what the question was, but it dictated my bringing up the fact that most singles want to get married and can we discuss this, please. Everybody sighed out loud, as though a taboo topic was now allowed to be brought into the open.
Really?
Have our churches created an atmosphere in which sincere and godly desires for getting married are hampered? Yet, when a godly single says they plan to stay single, they discourage that, too. What’s a Christian single to do?
The ambivalence and confusion are understandable in a culture that glorifies both being coupled and being a “swinging single.” The church switches “swinging single” to “godly single,” but that often makes them uncomfortable, too.
Sadly, the church don’t know what to do with us. Either they give us a what’s-wrong-with-you side look or well-meaning advice designed to pry us out of romantic lethargy and restore our hope of marriage enough to jump up and look through the pickings.
Please stop already. There are many reasons a follower of Jesus may not want to get married, and some of them are valid.
Instead of giving us mixed messages, the church needs to do a better job of receiving us and affirming the valid reasons for staying single.
Here are the top six reasons for staying single—and three of them are positive—that I’ve seen as I’ve traveled and ministered in Christian singles groups in several areas. Let’s get the bad reasons out of the way.
Three Negative Reasons
Poor, unbalanced doctrine: Some people teach that being single is spiritually superior to being married. Again, I notice that most of the people who say that are already married!
II’d like to get married, but I’m afraid I’ll go against God’s will if I even say out loud that I want to get married. I’m supposed to focus on being content. It’s easier to be quiet—kind of…
Fear: I am afraid to get married for fear of getting hurt, of not being enough for my future mate, or of getting a divorce. I’m afraid I can’t stay married, especially after my last marriage ended in divorce. I am afraid I cannot stay faithful, that my freedom will be restricted, that I’ll be rejected, or that someone better will come along.
Selfishness: I am very comfortable with my life the way it is and don’t need anyone to come along and change all that. Everything is situated just the way I like it.
I love not having to account to anyone for my time, my money, or how messy my house is. If anyone wants to come into my life, I’m not going to change; they’ll have to adjust to the way I do things. I don’t want to share bank accounts, retirement savings, food, living space, or even my passwords with anyone!
Three Positive Reasons
Conviction: The Lord has truly called me to be single. I am secure in my singleness and I have no desire to be married. I am as straight as an arrow, but feel no physical or emotional pressure to seek marriage for sex.
My needs are met and I am genuinely content. If God has something different for me, He’ll make that known and prepare me for the extra blessing of marriage.
Awareness and person growth: I don’t want to get married—at least not any time soon—because I am working on me. There are several character deficiencies/issues/boundary challenges/hurts from my past/financial debts/[fill in the blank] that I need to work on. I do understand that I’ll never be perfect, but I’m not ready to date any time soon. Perhaps never, and I’m okay with that because I want to be ready for whatever God has for me.
Purpose: I have a purpose I am striving toward. Marrying outside my purpose is not an option, and I refuse to get distracted. If I have to stay single to get there, you’d better believe I’m fixated on staying single and achieving God’s purpose for me.
Dear single believer who doesn’t want to get married, if you don’t know the core reason you want to stay single, explore it with the help of the Word of God and the Holy Spirit. Let Him teach you why you should stay single or get married. And let Him prepare you for His destiny for you, which might include marriage.
If you do know the positive reason(s) you are staying single, and you’re staying single God’s way, you’re doing good. Don’t let the church or the enemy redirect your single purpose.
